Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
