I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
