we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
