There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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