i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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