Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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