go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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