Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
