That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
