I'm so fucking centered right now
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sober January is a disaster.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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