I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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