you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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