I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize