I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
