Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
