Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
