After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
