Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
