ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
