From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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