For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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