So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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