I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
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Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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