i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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