On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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