you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
