i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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