Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
