Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
