so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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