in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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