note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
