I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
