she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
