I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just forgot I was standing up.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
