I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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