I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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