you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
