She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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