Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
