your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
