The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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