Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
