Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
