Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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