im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
