I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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