I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
