The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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