frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
