Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
