The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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