i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
