i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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